Sunday, December 19, 2010

I'm Afraid I Know the Answer

The last few days have been a little rough. We had a Christmas party Friday, Saturday and today. I didn't get a nap Friday or Saturday. I tried but couldn't fall asleep. By last night I was beat. I was worried I was going to be miserable last night because I felt pretty bad in the afternoon but I felt much better by the time we left. Unfortuneately my girls were both under the weather this morning so we had to cancel going tonight. It may be for the best since I have been in quite a bit of pain today. I did get about a 3 hour nap though which was much needed.

As the year is coming to a close I have so much going through my mind. I feel like I have a lot of this things from 2010 that I still need to deal with yet I am so ready for a new year. I know we can have a fresh start anytime but I always appreciate the start of a new year. It just feels "official" to me. A lot of what I feel I have left to deal with has to do with finances or lack there of. Besides catching up on some bills, one of top priorities I have when things turn around with the money is to get both of the girls tested for Lyme.

I am afraid I already know the answer when it comes to my 7 yr old...I believe I gave her Lyme Disease. The last few weeks she has started in with some tummy trouble. We have been down this road before and I was so glad when I thought we were done with it. She has complained of a stomach ache for almost 2 weeks straight. She says she feels like she is going to throw up and never does. How she describes her pain and where it is, is almost identical to the stomach problems I had that started so long ago. Of course now the assumption is that mine is/was probably Lyme related. She has also been having dizzy spells. She only had one or two before her annual checkup. However at her checkup her pediatrician found an irregular heart beat. The rhythm stip they did looked normal be we need to followup with the cardiologist. She has continued to complain of being dizzy on occasion. You have heard my cardiac history and my complaints of being dizzy. Then tonight the clincher came. She started breaking out in hives or a rash. Again. She suffered from this when she was younger like 2/3/4. She would break out in these rashes for no apparent reason. We would take her to urgent care or her doctor. Of course, half of the time the rash was close to being gone by the time a doctor saw here. She was given some allergy test due to her stomach troubles and told she had some mild allergies to stuff but we could never corolate the rash to having or being exposed to something she was allergic to. The rashes have varied in appearance and have shown up all over her trunk or sometime her face. That is where is started tonight. We can give her some benadryl which helps a little but the rash or hives can come and go for days. We have always been told they don't know what it is or that it is most likely viral. At his point I am begining to believe it is most likely Lyme. Part of me gets really upset when I think about it. I don't want her to suffer at all. No parent wants that for their kid. I don't want her to be scared because she has seen what this stupid disease has done to me. At the same time though, I would have an answer. God help us if we have to go through what I have gone through to try an find an answer. At least I have become much more of an advocate for my own health and the health of my family. I will not accept an answer I am not comfortable with. I feel blessed though that I have a great team of doctors to start with regarding the Lyme. If Lyme is not the cause, I also love our pediatrician and know she will do whatever it takes to get an answer. It is very comforting when you hear specialists tell you that they take your referral very seriously becuase the doctor who referred your child doesn't do so unless she is concerned. If she is concerned the they are concerned and are going to go the extra mile just to make sure everything is okay. So I am confident we will get the right answer. This is just a road I wasn't expecting to have to go down. Take the Lyme out of the equation and I stilll wasn't expecting for my child to have problems. I don't think any parent does. Sorry to say it is just the world we live in. I am thankful my 4 yr old doesn't have any of those issues. The only thing we really have with her are almost bipolar mood swings. I am praying that is more of a phase. A very long phase to say the least. So hopefully I will have an answer her shortly. If and when things turn around.

Trusting God to get us through and get us an answer to the disability issue soon. I was thinking about it (like I ever stop) and am wondering if me getting an answer to disability after the first of the year is part of God's plan. Maybe we need to wait so if they approve it or I guess even if they don't our taxes this year will be way different for the better. I may never know the reason things are taking so long and i know what I need to stop trying to figure everything out all of the time. I'm just saying it crossed my mind.

Well, it is late and I have to get up early to take my Maggie in to get her broken tooth pulled. I still have a lot of things I want to write about but I am tired and I hurt so I guess it is off to bed for me until another day. It is funny how much blogging can help to try and clear my mind. If no one ever read this it would be okay just because I feel like I was able to get rid of some of the stuff weighing me down or going through my brain. I wish I had a talent for writing so this would be more interesting to read. My thoughts just seem to come out in a random rambling fashion just like they are in my brain. One of the Lyme blogs I follow, is such a good read. This poor family is going through hell on earth but the way the mom writes it is like reading a story. Even when things are bad she has a way of making me laugh or cry and I feel like she is just amazing women to be around. She seems like so much fun even in all of her pain. My way of writing is what it is though. I won't throw this away or be hard on myself like I was reading my childhood diary. This is just the way I am...take or leave it.


  1. Thank u for writing. I read all of them Mary Anne

  2. Writing is therapy, Jess. Those of us who love you and are praying for you appreciate the updates. Don't worry about making it pretty.