Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Pit

As you have probably noticed my posts are starting to get a little sad and pathetic. At this point I realize there is not point in trying to hide it. It's really hard to force a "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" attitude when that is not how you feel. The reality is this week I have slipped and fallen into that horrible Lyme pit of depression. I am glad that I don't fall into this pit as often as I used to but it does still happen. It just kind of snuck up on me. I should have known as I have been wanting to post an update for a few days but just couldn't get my thoughts together. I haven't been feeling the greatest physically and now my Lyme cycle is here so things just kind of snowballed and knocked me into the pit. The term depression has taken me a long time to get used to. I still don't like to use it but I would be lying if I called it something else. At least I know it is part of the Lyme and I am hoping that once we get the Lyme under control, this will disappear also. For me it seems that the depression and rage go hand and hand. I am short on patience with everyone and little things annoy me very quickly. I am super emotional at one end but can end up feeling almost nothing on the other. I catch myself just staring off into space with my thoughts bouncing from one thing to another. I think to myself you need to get up and do something but I end up just sitting there being almost unable to move. It would take too much effort to move.
This is when I just want to crawl into bed and hide under the covers until it passes. I am hesitant to open my mouth for fear of what might come out. I try to fight back against the depression. I don't want to let the stress of any other issues compound the depression. It is not easy.
I wonder if there is ever a time with a chronic illness that you become okay with it. Do you ever except that you will most likely be fighting this illness on some level for the rest of your life? I don't know. I would like to say that will be able to say that I am okay with this one day. I guess it's just taking longer than I thought.
My few good days were just enough to make me think that I had turned a corner only to be over run with some days of intense pain, fatigue, anxiety, and insomnia. As I sit here now, the left side of my face is going numb. It feels like my skin is getting super tight on that part of my face. That symptom had disappeared for a while and now it is back. I hate that about this disease. Just because a symptom has gone doesn't mean it has left for good. All of my symptoms have left for a time only to re-emerge weeks or sometimes months later.
I am still holding out hope, that I am making progress, that we are moving in the right direction. After all the blood work seems to indicate that. You just want to your mind and body to agree with the blood work. I know any added stress isn't helping the situation. Finances are tough. The medical bills keep piling up. I do have to pay over $1200 for my port surgery. I just paid $400 for one months worth of supplements. The next 6 weeks are critical as to weather my return to work goes through or not. I am praying hard and trying to give it all to God. I know my my worry won't change the outcome. I am praying for a "Revelation" (song from Third Day) and to realize that "...blessings may come through rain drops" and "...healing may come through tears" (song Blessings by Laura Story). Just keep me in your prayers. Heaven seems that much better when I think about the fact that there is no more Lyme. Thanks as usual for following along. Hoping for happier posts soon.

1 comment:

  1. Jess~You know you are ALWAYS in my prayers...I am so sorry about the depression...keep in mind this is a symptom of the terrible disease you have...have you looked in to the idea of creating a "foundation" for fundraising? I know you have not felt well at all, but did want to check...once we get that going it will be easier to get companies to help with fundraising I think..Like restaurants, etc. Your photography is awesome!!! I am going to buy some myself when I get some money saved up from my two PT daughter also looked at them and may get some for her apartment...I need to find the link and re-post again on my FB profile..and then every couple of weeks post it about 4 weeks, my time will run out at Encinitas and I will only be at Del Mar so maybe I can come up and meet you to talk or have coffee or lunch or something...I miss you so much!

    Lots of love and hugs and prayers and thoughts!!

    Dawn =)