Thursday, January 6, 2011

Throwing in the Towel

I don't think I have ever been as close to throwing in the towel, quiting, giving up, as I have today.  I knew yesterday when I was praying for continued help in the patience department I probably wasn't going to like God's way of helping me. Deep down though I have a feeling He would not have changed a thing about today regardless of my prayer yesterday. I don't want to be a quitter and for the sake of my family I can't quit. That doesn't mean I wasn't brought to the brink. The one almost humorous part about today was when I was on the floor sobbing and crying out to God I was saying "I can't do this. I can't do this without You." All of sudden it was like "DUH! You can't do it, but I can!" Once again I was realizing that I needed to have total dependence on God. It is in these moments that I lose sight of myself and my abilities and rely on the only one who can get me through this. I guess that is part of the journey, part of the reason for this trial in my life. In some way, I feel like I should be honored that God chose me to endure this and other times I feel nothing but anger and frustration.
After all of that, I guess I should tell you what pushed me to this point. I was trying to pass the time and not think about the hospital calling and decided I guess I will give disability a call and see what the update is. My hope of course was that the claim rep would have an answer for me. Occasionally I don't care what the answer is, I just want to know. I know though that I will be devastated if the answer is DENIED! It is worth it to wait a little longer if the answer ends up being APPROVED! Anyways, I left a message and a short time later I got a call back. I took a deep breath as I answered the phone and this is the summary of what I heard. "I was supposed to get the final doctors report by the end of last week. I haven't received it yet. I was told I should have it today. Then I just need to finish up my part. I really don't see there being any other delays."  It took every ounce of strength I had and some help from the Holy Spirit to not unload on her. I kept my composure. Although she could tell I was disappointed, I made sure I didn't give her any snotty attitude. I know it is hard to believe that I could be snotty but I have known to unload on unsuspecting people. Part of the Lyme rage thing I have learned. Not pretty. So at least I kept it together. That is until I hung up the phone. Then I was like a puddle of mush on the floor, crying so hard I was trying to not throw up. I do realize how bad it is for me to get this upset. I can not control my feelings though. Bottom line, there is a flood of emotions that need to come out.
I yelled, prayed, and read my Bible until I was calm again. Although it still doesn't take much to put me into tears. I waited a while and finally decided, against my husbands better judgement, that I was going to call the hospital to see if anyone could tell me about scheduling this procedure. The first person I talk to says the hospital never calls patients to schedule surgeries. Then she says oh this is done in radiology, let me transfer you. I get in touch with the scheduler for radiology and she says she doesn't know anything about me or my procedure and that my doctor has send over all of this stuff. Now I have to call my doctor. I had to call them anyways to cancel my appointment with the infusion nurse for Tuesday since I wasn't having the port put in this week. I have to wait 2 or 3 days after the port to start the infusion. I cancelled the appointment and then had to leave a message for the nurse. Now I really my doctor and the staff at the office but I will admit I haven't had great luck with his nurse. I know she is busy but sometimes I haven't even heard back from her. I was told hopefully she could pull my file and if I didn't hear from her today, I would her tomorrow. My luck, everything is going as planned and the doctor just thought the lab results would be back sooner. I just know he told me a while ago we only had to do everything about a week ahead of time and that is not how things are working out. I am just so over it all at this point. Of course I am worried that this is pushing everything back. The later I start the infusion, then that may mean the later I can go back to work. I don't want to push my luck with the City. I am just freaking out at this point.
So be honest with me. Is me calling the hospital and all, is that me not being patient? Does that mean I am not trusting God and I am trying to control the situation? or Does it just mean that I am taking charge and following up? Here I go again analyzing things. I just always question what I am doing and is it right, wrong, neither...How does God view this? The questions are endless. Do you see why my brain never shuts off. Believe me, my brain is still going way faster then I can type. It's like a thought pops into my head, it's kind of at the forefront of my brain, but there is all of this background noise in the form of other thoughts cluttering things up.
Well now that I got that out, I am going to try and just forget about it all until Monday. If I am lucky, I will get the port "install" scheduled for Monday and we can move on with things. Depending on how things go, maybe I can still have the date I planned with my husband as part of his Christmas present. The plan was to go see The Ultimate Wave (I think that is what it is called) at the IMAX theatre and the Reuben H Fleet Science Center. It is all about Tahiti and surfing and sounds incredible. I  guess that would be the good thing that comes out of this. Good night for now. Again, please, if you are a praying person, continue to do so. It is hard for me to ask for help or anything else. I may where everything on my sleeve and be a very open person but to ask you to do something for me is hard. But I do need the prayers. I don't want to continue on this way...full of anxiety, fear, and stress. I want to take it all in stride. I read in my Bible today that just because you "count it all joy" when facing struggles, doesn't mean there isn't pain and hurt and that you just pretend your struggle is not a struggle. It means though that you can see the greater good and know that this trial or struggle is going to bring about better things. I am really trying to count it all joy right now. If I don't try that and believe and have hope of what is to come then I might as well throw in the towel. I would have nothing left. As much as I want to at times, and as much as I wanted to today, I won't quit! I can't!


  1. Hi Jessica! Thank you so much for sharing your heart! I can definitely relate to all of those emotions. In fact, I seem to ride the Lyme frustration roller coaster...anger, sadness, frustration, devestation, hurt, pain...every three weeks (apparently, my hubby thinks it happens like clock-work..I am not so sure, lol). However, ultimately, I always come to the same place you do knowing that our Heavenly Father is in control of every little tiny detail and doesn't let anything happen to us outside of the realm of His control. I saw that you read our blog. :) I am not sure if you read about my port surgery and first infusion, but I wanted to let you know that you do not have to wait 1 to 2 days to use your port. In fact, the hospital used mine within 15min. of getting it in and then I went straight over to my doctor's office and had my first infusion within about 1 1/2 hours. Now, I can't say I felt the best having come out of a procedure like that and going for my first infusion, but if your doctor lets you do it that quickly, then go for it. It's perfectly safe and the hospital even said I could use it that very day. I will be praying for all the details to work out for you. I am excited that you are on your way to healing! I know it sometimes doesn't look like that and Lyme seems to make everything move in slow motion, but God has awesome plans for you girl. We will be healed and out ministering in His name soon! Blessings to you! Dawn :)

  2. Dawn, Thank you for sharing. I do read your blog but I am not sure if I got to read that one so I will have to find it. I really appreciate another Christian perspective on this. I am amazed at how many Lymies I have met are Christian woman. I feel like God definitely wants us to support each other and lift each other up. Life can be hard enough and this disease can make you want to quit on life. So thank again for your kind words and support. I hope things are going well for you and if I remember right Brian has an exam coming up. I pray that goes well also. Positive thoughts and prayers coming you way. Jessica