Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Anxiety is Killing Me

It is no secrete at this point that I don't really handle stress well and I am not very patient. Those are things over the past year I have wanted to and had to work on. Both of those things are a work in progress. Right now I would say I have taken one step back. Today was the anticipated day the hospital was going to call and tell me when to come in for my port. As of 4:00 I have not heard and I think it is safe to say I won't hear anything today. That means I won't be having the procedure tomorrow. I guess that still leaves a chance for Friday. I so wish they would have called just so I would know when. But knowing me, that wouldn't help my anxiety level. I have been getting increasinly anxious about this the past few days and it is very hard for me to sleep at night. I realize it is not good for me but there is not a whole lot I can do about it. I also don't know how long to wait until I call the doctor or the hospital. How bad is it that all of these negative things go through my mind...what if they didn't get the order, what if my blood work isn't good enough, what if they have the wrong phone number, what if....On and on the list goes. Here I am supposed to be working on thinking positive and my nature and habit have been doing just the opposite. Lord please help me to not be so negative but to learn to see the positive in every situation. Also please help me be anxious for nothing and continue to help me with my patience. (I cringe when I pray that last part, asking God for help with patience is almost certainly asking for everything important in your life to be delayed for a very long time.) So anyways, at first I told myself that I would wait until today to call disability. Then I decided to wait until after I heard from the hospital. Here I sit, a ball of stress, wondering how I will get through tonight until tomorrow where I can wait all over again. I think I need a stiff drink, or a good cry, or I don't know what!
I just need to remember God's timing is perfect. So in His time will these things happen....tick, tock, tick, tock!
On a little bit of another note, I had a bad (in a good way) herx day the other day. I had a pretty freaky twitching episode on Sunday that made me unable to speak for a little while. I am sure the silence was welcomed by family however, it is very frustrating when you can almost feel a physical disconnect between your brain and your mouth. I know what I am trying to say but the words won't come out. I managed to get through that and have been really tired the last few days. I did go and use a coupon I had for an hour long reflexology and 30 minute detox ionic foot bath. The reflexoglogy hurt but was good. She said based on what she felt, my mid back and right shoulder were messed up. Right on the button with those things. The ionic foot bath is cool because you sit there and the water changes color to indicate where you are having problems and what toxins you are eliminating. The lady doing that part came over and said that my water was really dark which means joint problems. So kind of cool. It did wear me out and my joints hurt a little the rest of the day. Just trying to relax and detox before the port. I am glad I am herxing only because it means I am still killing bugs.
I have been researching a lot about the port, and infusions and all that. I am glad I have an idea of what to expect yet at the same time it is scaring me. None of this looks fun. I mean, I knew it wouldn't be fun but it looks maybe tougher to handle than I thought. I have seen some young kids go through it though, so I don't have anything to complain about. If a six year old can deal with this than I most certainly can.
I just got done reading "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. I highly recommend it but it will make you cry. Anyways, in the book Mary is talking about her plan for her life and all of things that were not in it and how God's plan for her life had everything almost opposite. It made me look back and laugh a little about my own situation. I remember meeting a girl right after I graduated high school, who was going on a trip to Australia and New Zealand  with me and a bunch of other students. She had an insulin pump in her stomach for her diabetes. I remember praying, God please don't ever let me get something that requires regular shots or blood draws. I won't be able to handle it! Well I guess God had a different plan. I will handle it, with His help. I don't have a choice.
With that I will say good bye for now. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully it is one that is full of answers for me.

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