Sunday, September 19, 2010

Where Do I Go From Here

I am not sure why I am not better prepared for the tough times. I should have guessed since I said in my last post that I was going to continue to share the truth of my Lyme battle but that I really wanted to be encouraging to others and show much God can do in these tough times that I was headed for another test. As you probably well know by now I have been impatiently waiting to hear back from disability. My biggest fear became a reality when human resources called me Thursday and told me that my short term disability claim was denied. The tears had started before I was even off the phone and as I walked in the house and hung up I pretty much collapsed into my husbands arms. I can't remember the last time I cried that hard. My mind has been kind of numb since that phone call. The amount of stress this has brought on is just crazy. I haven't even been able to figure out what my next move should be. I know I have to file an appeal but since they took 80 days to deny this claim, who knows how long they will take to make a decision on the appeal. My biggest concern is obviously a financial one. I had used up so much paid time off leading up to this point just trying to figure out what was wrong with me that since the diagnosis and reducing my schedule to stopping work completely I have used it all. I have gone through one whole pay period without a paycheck and will go through the second one this week. My family can not live without my income. Believe me, if we could I would not work full time.
This has become one of those situations in which I am totally lost. I believe in God. I believe that God has the power to get me through this situation. I wish I was at a point in my faith that I was singing for joy during this time. I will be honest. I have not been. I don't know where to draw the line of what I am supposed to do to take care of my family and just saying, "Here God, you deal with this." I feel like I need to do my part to try and get a temporary fix the City may have for me, and proceed with the appeal. Maybe that is all I am supposed to do. Not spending money on anything but necessities and trusting God to deliver the finances to cover our living expenses may be exactly what I am supposed be doing. I will admit this is going to try and test my faith more than it has ever been tested.
Am I supposed to be spending hours researching how to fight back and talking with attorneys and such or just do what I can without going crazy and let God handle it? If God would only send me a text message or something...
Back to the denial for a moment. So I haven't gotten the actual denial letter yet but was told by the claim rep that their physicians didn't feel there was enough medical evidence to support me not working right now. I am just blown away for so many reasons. First off, this was just a short term claim for now. I wasn't claiming I would never be going back to work. This would give me a few months to go through treatment and go from there. Second, they have 2 yrs. worth of medical records that to me have plenty of supporting evidence as to why I shouldn't be working right now. I guess in the insurance companies mind, they want two years worth of records but are really only looking at the last few months since the Lyme diagnosis since that is why I can't be at work...because of the Lyme. What they are failing to recognize is that the ADD, anxiety, depression, and inappropriate sinus tachycardia diagnosis that I have gotten within the last 2 to 3 years are most likely all Lyme disease symptoms. So do they not count because they were essentially mis-diagnosed the whole time. Now add the fact that I am on 4 high dose antibiotics, sick to my stomach a lot, tired everyday (some days all I do is sleep), have swollen lymph nodes, sore throat, joint pain, muscle pain, twitching to the point I can't do much else and it makes it hard to talk, dizziness, trouble concentrating and some memory issues but I should be able to do my job as a Fire Inspector no problem. It shouldn't be a problem when I am up on a 12 ft. ladder and crawling around the attic of a new church when I start twitching. Being tired on a normal day, and having some difficulties concentrating and with memory shouldn't affect me having to work a 24 hour shift in our Emergency Operations Center on a big fire. I should be able to review plans for a fire protection system no problem even if I can't concentrate. I should be able to knock out my school inspections for a few hours at a time despite being sick to my stomach and having intense joint pain. Seriously, how does disability expect me to not be a liability to the City when I'm like this. Does having to move in with my parents not mean anything. It's not fair that to get this claim approved I may have to go through the IV earlier than expected. What if these meds really started to work and I could avoid an IV? Why should they be dictating my treatment? I'll make sure and send them all my latest blood work with the low CD 57 I got a few weeks back and the newest round that shows another marker for whats going on double what it should be. I'll also make sure and send them a few pictures of all my meds I'm on and good herx video so they can see me at my worst for themselves.
That is my rant for now. I thought I was having trouble with the Lyme diagnosis, but this tops it. I've accepted the fact that I am sick. I will not accept the fact that some third party is going to tell me there is not enough wrong with me to take a break from work and focus on getting better. I have a lot of praying to do about this situation and ask if you're a believer that you add this to your list of prayers. There is nothing I can do to turn this situation around. I can fill out the papers and do what is asked of me but the rest is in God's hands. God is really gonna stretch my faith because I don't have a choice. How awesome it will be when I can be blogging about the unbelievable way things turned around. God's power, mercy, grace, and love can certainly be glorified in this situation. I guess after working through my thoughts tonight I can say I am getting excited to see how God is going to turn this situation around. Glad I'm ending on a happy note. Good night for now. Lots more to come in the following days I'm sure.

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