Well in the last few days I feel like I have jumped back on the roller coaster I was on before. It is both a physical and emotional ride. I know the physical part is always going to be up and down until I rid of this disease. I guess I was just hoping to come to terms with the fact that I even have this disease. To be perfectly honest, I haven't. There are still many days that I feel like this has to be some horrible nightmare. I didn't really get this diagnosis did I? Am I really fighting to get disability benefits? Is this really only the begining of a very long battle? It just seems totally unreal sometimes. I think I have been able to distract myself over the past few weeks with the move and all. I just pushed through feeling bad as best I could to get the "move out" done and get the kids back in school. So in a way I could push Lyme to the back of my mind. Now that I am trying to get settled and I am facing a lot of time alone with myself and this disease it is starting to hit me again.
I have been trying to keep up on all the current information on Lyme and with my new Lyme friends. I have to admit I am a little freaked out about what may come. My bad days are no fun but the reality of what I will probably face as we get to the bulk of the bugs is downright scary. I don't know that I even have a symptom I am scared of the most. The naseau and dizziness are really hard to handle. But the shortness of breath and the racing heart can be really scary. I have seriously wondered how much more my heart can handle during previous episodes. My heart has jumped to over 200 beats a minute for no reason. It is very easy to think that you are going to die in that moment.
I know a lot of people would say that I shouldn't read so much. I am definitely learning how to decipher what I read, especially on-line. On the flip side when I am experiencing something new I more prepared to handle it. I remember when some of my twitching started. My mom had a really hard time. My husband had a hard time. I didn't like it but I knew it was totally normal and I had no reason to panic.
I am a very emotional person. More so now then ever, just ask my husband. So I am regularly in tears when I read what other people, regardless if their illness are going through. Just earlier I was reading about a Pastors' little girl who is fighting cancer for I believe a second time. I can't imagine going through what that family is going through. Then I read about a fellow Lymie who has been confined to bed for the last 3 years because of her symptoms and there is not really any end in site. So heartbreaking.
I guess I'll end for now. I'm still really tired and have a lot left to do. Thanks for checking in and for all of the support as I continue in this journey.