Monday, September 13, 2010

Back on the Roller Coaster

Well in the last few days I feel like I have jumped back on the roller coaster I was on before. It is both a physical and emotional ride. I know the physical part is always going to be up and down until I rid of this disease. I guess I was just hoping to come to terms with the fact that I even have this disease. To be perfectly honest, I haven't. There are still many days that I feel like this has to be some horrible nightmare. I didn't really get this diagnosis did I? Am I really fighting to get disability benefits? Is this really only the begining of a very long battle? It just seems totally unreal sometimes. I think I have been able to distract myself over the past few weeks with the move and all. I just pushed through feeling bad as best I could to get the "move out" done and get the kids back in school. So in a way I could push Lyme to the back of my mind. Now that I am trying to get settled and I am facing a lot of time alone with myself and this disease it is starting to hit me again.
I have been trying to keep up on all the current information on Lyme and with my new Lyme friends. I have to admit I am a little freaked out about what may come. My bad days are no fun but the reality of what I will probably face as we get to the bulk of the bugs is downright scary. I don't know that I even have a symptom I am scared of the most. The naseau and dizziness are really hard to handle. But the shortness of breath and the racing heart can be really scary. I have seriously wondered how much more my heart can handle during previous episodes. My heart has jumped to over 200 beats a minute for no reason. It is very easy to think that you are going to die in that moment.
I know a lot of people would say that I shouldn't read so much. I am definitely learning how to decipher what I read, especially on-line. On the flip side when I am experiencing something new I more prepared to handle it. I remember when some of my twitching started. My mom had a really hard time. My husband had a hard time. I didn't like it but I knew it was totally normal and I had no reason to panic.
I am a very emotional person. More so now then ever, just ask my husband. So I am regularly in tears when I read what other people, regardless if their illness are going through. Just earlier I was reading about a Pastors' little girl who is fighting cancer for I believe a second time. I can't imagine going through what that family is going through. Then I read about a fellow Lymie who has been confined to bed for the last 3 years because of her symptoms and there is not really any end in site. So heartbreaking.
I guess I'll end for now. I'm still really tired and have a lot left to do. Thanks for checking in and for all of the support as I continue in this journey.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Jessica... Our symptom list is almost identical... It's so strange. I share your sentiments so much. I have always been an athlete... it has been my identity my entire life... it has been taken away from me by Lyme... SO, since I refuse to give up, I do what I can... I pray for help, I pray for strength, but I share the same disbelief that THIS is my life... that I have been on antibiotics for 3 months now, after a life of never having taken any meds... Dear, there has to be a greater purpose for this... we don't know it now, but you are doing all you can to heal, so am I.... somehow, that courage to push forth will be the source of our healing... My thoughts are with you my new friend... Stephanie