Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Under Fire

Where to begin...The last few weeks have been completely crazy to say the least. I realize that the devil has opened fire on me and my family hoping to break us down. I believe it was on July 2nd, I submitted my paperwork to the company that handles our disability claims at work. This was after talking with HR about the fact that I was going to be working a reduced schedule because of my battle with Lyme. They advised me to fill out the disability paperwork to get that started. I have a 30 day waiting period before disability benefits would begin being paid. It was just a reduced schedule to begin with, knowing I would be put out full time eventually. I figured this would help get me through my 30 days without suffering a loss of income. I am using any accrued time I have to make up for the hours I am off everyday. Long story short, as of July 30 disability decided I was missing enough work to qualify but now wanted my medical records for the last 2 yrs at least. Their decision is still pending. How nice that they haven't decided and it's now been more 30 days.
On to my next trial (so to speak). First off, my work (being management) has been great. The chiefs I work with in the Fire Department have been so generous and caring with my situation. I am truly blessed in that regard. However,I am working a reduced schedule, we hired a part-time fire inspector to fill in for me while I'm gone so I am in the middle of training her, and the boss is on his annual summer vacation for a few weeks. Might be a little crazy but we will manage, right? Well my beloved co-worker who helps out even more when the boss is gone got severely sick the day after the boss left and has not been back nor do we have a date when he will be back. So now I am trying to do the work of 2 1/2 people on a short schedule and train the new girl. Surprise, surprise, all of the crazy, unusual, and weird requests, complaints, jobs etc...happen to show up when it's just me. In some ways I feel like I work better under pressure but at the same time I am a stressed out mess right now. I've extended how long I am at work partially because of disability and partially because I couldn't just up and leave with the craziness going on at work. Part of me wishes I didn't care so much sometimes, but I know it's the right thing to do. I wouldn't be focused on getting well if I was so worried about how I left things at work. I know I will never be 100% ok with leaving but I can hopefully get close.
Next on my list of rants right now is my increasing herxs. Had a really bad episode of twitching the other day. It lasted quite a while and definitely freaked my parents out. I also had a completely random bout of dizziness and getting sick to my stomach. Here my two secretaries at work take me and the new girl out to lunch before I go. Lunch is going ok and all of sudden I don't feel right. The dizziness and just feeling weird is one thing I can't stand. I basically feel like I am going to collapse and pass out no matter what position I'm in. I could be sitting, standing, or even lying down with my eyes closed and still feel like I am going to fall and pass out. Hate it! Next thing I know I'm excusing myself to the restroom so I don't throw up at the table. I managed to keep lunch down but I couldn't drive and had to go home. Couldn't find a connection between taking my meds or anything, just random.
And to top it all off we had to do this class and compensation study for the City. It was like 12 pages of evaluating my job and duties and I had almost no time to do it. I managed to get it done and hope I did a good job. It could help change some things about my job like pay and everything else if they think I'm not being compensated fairly compared to other people in the area doing my job. The bummer is there is only one of me, doing my job, full time, so it rested completely on me. There are a lot of other people in the City in the same situation about having to do the study all on their own but now was just not a good time for me.
Oh ya, and one more thing. I just my girls in for their annual physicals. I got to discuss with their pediatrician about the Lyme and having them tested. We are going to do that as soon as we can. That's $400 just for the basic Lyme test for both of them. Insurance won't cover it. Then my 4 yr old failed her eye test in her right eye only. Off to the eye dr for her. My 7 yr old was having an irregular heart beat that we have never noticed before. Off to the cardiologist for her. So if Lyme wasn't enough to worry about...yet maybe Lyme is the only thing to worry about as it could be the cause of both of these problems for my girls.
I can just tell that the devil is just on a rampage trying so hard to make me give up. Believe me, there are times I have thought about it. He has messed with work, my family, our plans for moving in with my parents...but we have stayed the course. I realize that because I know I am under fire I may face more bullets in the near future. I also know that I have bullet proof vest on (God) and that any hits I take won't be fatal. I may have some scars but scars are cool right? They tell a story about something I have faced and survived.
I feel so much better just having been able to vent all of this. Just a side note, my emotions are out of control right now. So here I am watching the end of the movie "The Rookie" which I haven's seen. My husband gives me the background and we are at the part where he actually gets to pitch in the major league game and his dad, wife, kids, and high school ball players are there to watch him and I start crying. Seriously, that is so unnecessary. It was good for a laugh though. Nice to know my husband loves me even when I'm a little off. Off to bed, early morning for school registration, update soon after drs appts.

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