Monday, August 16, 2010

Learning to Let Go

Things have continued to spiral downward at an ever increasing pace. If I could just gain a week to tie up the loose ends, maybe I would feel a little better. My beloved co worker's health has taken a really bad turn. The timing of his illness has made things at work tougher than expected. What I care about more than anything is that he gets better. Everything else can be dealt with. As I kind of ranted last time, trying to train the "new girl" while I was only working part time and my coworker was out has been difficult. I guess I have gone about my job everyday knowing whatever I didn't get to would be there waiting for me the next day. I never took the time to think that maybe someone else would have to come in and take over for me. Because of that mentality I now am finding myself in the difficult position of trying to turn things over. Even an organized person would have difficulty giving over their job to someone else but take into account that I am the only one that understands my organization (or lack there of) and it makes it that much harder. Because of the unexpected turn of events with my fellow inspector I have held on at work longer than expected. But it looks like tomorrow will be it for now. Ready or not!
I think I have said before that there are times that I wish I just didn't care. That is not me though. It is in me to care about everything and everybody. It is a major deal to me if I have done anything to burden anyone else. I don't like to be the cause of pain, discomfort, or unhappiness to anyone. Me having to let go at work right now is eating me up. I feel like I am letting people down and all. I also know that I will be letting my family down if I don't fight to get better. It is becoming a must.
I have had such a hard time with my diet and meds amongst the chaos and I know that is so bad for me. I also know that I have been in so much pain that past few days to a week. Today is one of my worst pain days. If I haven't even started my new meds or had a full dose everyday of the meds I'm already on I don't want to know what I'll be like when I am taking everything. I know all my symptoms mean things are being stirred up and bugs should be dieing but it is not fun at the moment. We are in the middle of trying to move, fix the car, and do Knott's Berry Farm for my daughters birthday. That is crazy enough without being in constant pain and just wanting to sleep for days.
Again I know there is a purpose in this. There is beauty in my pain. As much as I am hating giving up control, when I can truly focus on myself I think some good things are going to happen. I really need to look at this opportunity to look at where God may be leading me. I think I need to start looking outside the box that I've made around my little world and begin to see that God may have much different ideas for me.
The next week or so is going to be very tough. I'm not sure how much I can take or what will come my way. I just know that I have to take each moment one by one. If I can accomplish that I will make it to the next week and the one after that, and the one after that, and slowly the purpose of what I am going through may begin to unfold. This journey is going to be long, painful, wild and full of the unknown. I don't know that I would want it any other way!

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