It's interesting how quickly this disease, or I guess any long term illness, can take a toll on you. Everyday life is quickly becoming a chore. I'm not saying it's a chore I won't "do" but it has become a lot of work just to be alive right now. My whole day sees to be centered around my medication schedule. I take medication all day long except when I'm sleeping and trying to coordinate what I eat and do around taking pills and naps is exhausting. I really have to try and focus on getting a good routine down for my treatment. My life has always seemed a little hectic and crazy and certainly unorganized. Now, however, not getting breakfast and grabbing a coffee and muffin a few times a week means much more than some extra calories and fat I packed on. All of my food choices have taken on a new meaning. They can seriously impact how my fight on lyme goes. Just one of those things in life that is easier said than done. It's not telling a junk food junkie to cut back, it is telling a junk food junkie to stop all of the good stuff. No sugar, no alcohol, no gluten, limited dairy, lots of green leafy things...Certainly not what I am used to. I have been and continue to try to eat better but I realized recently I have got to try harder.
With the way things are going I am now going out on disability from work. I know it's the best decision but it doesn't make it an easy one. I won't ever feel like I've tied up all of the loose ends at work. I also know that I can't give my best when I don't feel good. I can't feel safe doing my job if I am not at the top of my game. It is true my day to day tasks at work are not anything big to worry about. It's the emergency part that becomes a problem. If I have to work in the Emergency Operations Center during a big wildfire this summer or respond to a large structure for an investigation I have to feel good not just physically but especially mentally. I won't put other people at risk. I value my guys and the public to much to screw up. With that said, Lord knows how I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom but this isn't what I meant. My time away from work is going to be so focused on getting better, not on just being free to do what I want. With this disease it means getting worse before it gets better. More pain, more fatigue, more exhaustion, more mood swings. I want to feel like I can participate in my familys life and not just be a by stander or more so a burden on them. Helping your children understand something like this is a tough one. I would like to never give the excuse again that mommy is sick and can't do something. As a lot of people with the disease have to deal with, on the outside we may look totally noraml, especially on a good day. But good days can still be bad and symptoms can come and go in the blink of an eye. Like on of my lyme friends said, we still make an effort to get up, get dressed, put on some make-up and a smile but that doesn't mean we are not in intense pain or still sick. You can't see the bacteria turning my insides to swiss cheese, but I can feel it. If I didn't get up and try it would be way to easy to give up. I can see how this disease could take over and I could become just a depressed heap of a person. I don't want that to happen. I know how much I want to snap my fingers and have everything be better but there are going to be some great memories during this time and I don't want to miss them just to avoid the pain and suffering. Just because I feel like everyday life is becoming a major chore, it's a chore I'll accept and do my best at!
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