Friday, July 2, 2010

Still Angry

I've realized over the past week or so that I am still angry over the fact that I have this stupid disease. I don't know how quickly someone goes through the different stages of emotions when diagnosed with a chronic disease. I guess everyone is different. I don't know why I expected to not really have much of an angry stage. Maybe because I was so fed up with not having an answer about what was wrong with me, I assumed when I got an answer I would just be grateful. Believe me, I am grateful. I am so thankful God has blessed me not only with an answer but wonderful doctors as well. That however does not take away from the fact that I am still angry. Angry when I am counting out my weeks' worth of pills. (I think I have finally reached close to 35 a day) Angry that my whole day revolves around taking meds and supplements. That schedule runs your life for a while. Thryoid pills can't be taken with food. Antibiotics have to be taken with food so you don't throw up. One of the antibiotics can't be taken within 2 hours of dairy or minerals with calcium. Probiotics should be taken in between meals and 2 hours away from some meds. Angry that when my medicine is working and the bugs are dying I feel like crap. Angry that I may have given this disease to my girls. Angry that my 7 yr old feels the need to run over and try to hold my arms down when I'm twitching. Angry that I have to reduce my work schedule right at the begining of fire season. Angry that everyday I am to tired or in to much pain to just live a normal life. So right now...I am just angry! I know it will pass. I have my good moments and my bad moments. Sometimes my anger makes me want to fight back hard and other times it makes me cry. I know deep down God has some crazy awesome things that are going to come out of this but sometimes it is hard to remember that.
So I went to my doc last week and got some updated blood work. One test I was excited to have (if that makes sense) is called the CD 57. In simple terms it is a way of measuring how well your immune system is working. Lyme docs want you number to be over 60. Mine was 66 so the doctor was happy. However, normal ranges are much closer to 200. My immune system has a lot of room for improvement. It is much better though than a fellow lymie I've met who actually has the same doctor as I do and whose lowest number I think was 8. I think she is at an 11 now. She has basically been told she will never get better. My doc thinks I will. My vitamin D level was really low. Crazy because I love dairy and drink milk. The low end of normal is 32 and I was 23. So another pill for that.
It was really interesting though that when he had to fill out papers for my leave he put down my three things under my diagnosis- Lyme Disease, Fibromyalgia, and Peripheal Nueropathy. The fibro is because of all of the wideapread pain, and the nueropathy is for how the lyme has messed up my brain. Still it was a little hard to swallow. Then when he had to put a time frame on how long I would be dealing with this he put 3 years. That certainly makes me look differently at if we will ever have any other babies. I wanted another one. I wanted to try for a boy. I know God is in charge and miracles do happen but until I know it's gone, I couldn't take the chance of passing it on. I may have already have given this horrible disease to my two precious angels. How do you explain to them that mommy made them sick? How do you tell your children that they may go through some of the same pain and torment that they have witnessed mommy go through. I don't even know how to tell them they have to get tested.
I'm guessing it's time for me to go to bed. I have a busy weekend ahead, including work, and although I've gotten some things off my mind, I'm starting to cry. So goodnight for now.

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