Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tougher than I thought

I am having a little bit of a struggle right now with just accepting my current situation and knowing where to go from here. I am not trying to complain. I know we will get through it with God's help. I guess I am just surprised at how much I am struggling being away from work and just knowing where to go next. I have such an overwhelming concern about other people and how my situation is affecting them. I don't like thinking that I am causing any hardship to the Fire Department. I am not saying I am all that great but I do know that me having to leave when I did caused some extra strain at work. I also don't like having to constantly be "bothering" (as I see it) other people about things related to me and this disease. I know that this is one of the reasons we have an HR Department but it gets to me when I am constantly having to ask questions, ask for help, ask them to review something...Now I am at a point where I am running out of protections. Within the next few days work won't be required to do anything for me and technically, if I am too much of a burden they can let me go. I am blessed to work for a great employer and great management and I don't think I will get the axe unexpectedly. I am the type of person though that begins to have guilt because I feel like I am becoming a real burden on them. I want to do what is best for them.

I also had a little relapse of anger and frusteration over this whole issue with disability and all. As I said last time, my dad went to the doctor with me. I have definitely got to see a different side of him. He has expressed more about his feelings during these last few months than I think he ever has. So while we were waiting to see the doctor we were talking about the whole treatment and money and all. My dad says he knows I am worrying about money and that he wants me to not worry and just know that no matter what it takes we will get me better. I know my parents would do anything for me but again I had to bring up the fact that they shouldn't have to go to extreme lengths to help out. I work full time, have health insurance and disability insurance. Yet a large part and the most exspensive part of my treatment won't be covered by my health insurance and I am having a hard time getting disability. I am extremely thankful for the coverage I have had. I am not trying to make it sound like this is as bad as other people have it. it just comes down to the fact that I or my employer are paying for both types of insurance and yet I am not reaping the benefits. What does they are being paid go for. Why should we pay them. I could save that money in the bank and have it to pay for treatment and cover my bills now. It is just very upsetting that even some one who supposedly has the protections out there for situations like this can't really get them. I then feel guilty for taking up people's time, resurces, and money when I feel they could best be used on someone else! End of sermon. I am just really drained over this whole thing right now. As Turko would say, "It Ain't Right!".

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