Friday, June 4, 2010

Losing My Identity

I feel like so much has gone on in the last few days it is hard to know where to begin. So the doxycyline has been kicking my butt to say the least. Yesterday was probably my worst day so far. The good news is yesterday is gone and today was much better. Tomorrow is yet to come. I tried increasing the doxy on Wednesday so I can get up to my full dose. I think that is why yesterday was so bad. So I went back down today and will try again tomorrow. I have got to find a good combination of food to take so I don't get "sick" with this medicine. I learned the first morning I had to eat something. That worked fine until yesterday when I didn't eat enough. The bummer is I can't take dairy or probiotics within 2 hrs of the medicine. So trying to eat enough to not get sick that doesn't include dairy especially at breakfast is hard for me. Add to it the thyroid med I take. I can't take that with food. I am pushing it to take it and only wait 1/2 hr to eat. Trying to schedule food and meds around each other is a little crazy. Now add another handful of pills I got...very hard.
Here's how yesterday played out. Wake up and get to go to my new primary care doc. He was recommended to my by my llnd. My llnd requires all her patients to have a pc doc. She only specializes in a few things so I totally get why she wants that. I have been going in circles the last year or so as I was trying to find out what is going on with me. I have switched pcd's a couple times. After the last guy basically told me the lyme disease was non-sense, even with the positive blood test in his hand, I was beyond angry. So I go see the new doc and could not have asked for anyone better. Back to yesterday...I was late leaving for my appt. This doc is in Pacific Beach and I had to be there early for paperwork. Crazy morning as usual by my husband was taking the kids to school. I am in the car and naseau hits me like food poisoning. Now I'm crying, trying not to throw up while I'm driving and make it to PB in 30 minutes. My husband ends up taking me to the doc, we arrive just in time for my appt. When I called to tell them I was late they said no problem, come in and we'll still get to you. Sweet office staff on the phone, sweet and helpful in person at the office. We both go into to meet the doc. He just looks friendly. "So what brings you in?" I try to keep my story short and sweet (ya right) and give him copies of blood work, etc. He basically agrees 100%. He shares his thoughts on how things may go. By the way he has already seen a few other lymies before me. He also believes in the importance of other therapies and things to help me through this. The one thing I didn't want to hear was he is expecting to at some point have to go the IV route with my meds. He just said when someone has been sick for so long it is hard to get away with just oral meds but we will see. Either way I left feeling so blessed for a doc that cares about getting his patients better and not just covering up symptoms.
With all of this going on, new meds, new doc, trying to do insurance for work, and figure so much out it has been on mind that I don't want lyme to be my only identity. I struggle with this disease and everything it is doing to me, my life, my family and how it is always on my mind and trying to let it be the only thing about me. I don't want to push family, friends and co-workers away because they only thing they hear from me is about this disease and how crappy I feel. How do other people do it? The women just diagnosed with breast cancer, or dealing with a child who has a disablility, or the man who just lost his job after 20 do you keep those things from becoming who you are? I know it is something I need to pray about. I need to keep a positive attitude, and keep focused on the things I love and make sure I have good friends to keep me in check when I have crossed the line.
I go back to something I shared when I first started this blog and I just shared with a fellow lymie tonight on her blog...this is where we can come and vent and let it all out. We need to or we will go crazy. We also need to remember people reading out blog come here voluntarily. They can close us out whenever they have had enough. So if the whining and complaining get to much sometimes we are sorry. To save our sanity, our marraiges, our kids...this is what we need.
I appreciate the love and support of family, friends, my docs, and fellow lymies I have never even met, as I am just begining what I can only guess will be the most difficult fight of my life. The only thing I can imagine being harder than this right now is finding out that either of my girls have it. I am chosing to trust my God and Savior to bring me through the tough times. I can't even begin to think about the strong woman I will be once I have passed through this fire. That is the hope I am holding onto.
For now I may just choose to believe that I am not losing my identity...I just have yet to find it!

1 comment:

  1. Hey Jessica! I just found your blog. Thanks for sharing all of this. I can totally relate. It's hard when Lyme is so difficult and you have to fight everyone to believe you including the medical community. It's hard to not let it become your identity. I have seen it overtaking my life lately. I can really relate with your search for a primary doc. I just got denied by a doctor who wouldn't even see me because of the paperwork I filled out. That was a first! I have awesome insurance, so I know it's Lyme. I am so thankful that God led you to the right primary care physician!! We are still looking. Anyways, I will keep you in my prayers. IV is probably down my road too, but we shall see. :) Oh, feel free to check out my's
    Blessings to you!