Sunday, June 13, 2010

Green with Guilt

Green with guilt. Thats how I feel right now. Not green with envy but green with guilt. Since green is the color for lyme, everything seems to take on a green tint from my perspective. I am still working through trying not to make everything in my life revolve around this stupid illness but right now it does. It is very hard to not have a conversation where lyme comes up. "How are you feeling?" someone asks, I start jerking or twitching, I have to take a bath to help ease my pain, I can't have a coffee now because I just took my meds, I have to eat now so I can take my meds...on and on it seems to go. Believe though, I am trying to not talk about it so much, to not complain, to not share to much info. I try and remember when most people ask how I am feeling or doing they are just being nice and don't want a full update on all my latest aches and pains.
Now to where the guilt comes in. I am much more of a giver than a taker. I think part of it is just being a woman. We like to nurture people and take care of them. Part of it is just me. Now I am not by any means a great housekeeper or cook or anything like that. At the same time though things that I may normally attempt to do, enjoy doing, or feel are my reponsibility I have a hard time when anybody else does them. That includes my husband and it doesn't usually matter why they are doing them. With that being said, it has just caused me tremondous guilt to have to be down and out and rely on my husbad so much for things I normally do. I don't like not functioning at my full capacity and when I just can't and he has to or my mom or dad has to help it is beyond frusterating. The worst part is, this is only the begining. I can still get up and tend to some if not all of my normal day. If I end up being down for a significant period of time Lord knows how difficult that is going to be.
I must admit my husband has been just awesome. He has been so helpful and forces me to rest or eat even when I don't want to. He has been my rock when I have completely freaked out because I am so scared or so sick...the one funny thing is though the twitches scare him. Just the other day I was showing him a video of a poor girl going through a horriffic herx and he starts saying how I shouldn't watch that stuff it's just going to make me worry or whatever. What happens the next day, I start twitching pretty bad and he says you are freaking me out, I can't stand it when you do that. I just started laughing. I have tolerated my twitching okay but he can't handle it. Anyways...that part gets hard. I mean having your loved ones have a difficult time with your symptoms. I know my mom hates the twitching but the worst is my girls. My husband was gone earlier today and the twitches came and my 7 yr old goes "Mommy stop that!". She grabs my arms and tries to hold them down. I have to reassure her that even though it looks a little scary mommies okay. That breaks my heart. I am still dreading having them tested. Talk about guilt. If my girls got this from me I am going to have a very hard time with that. I realize it's not my fault. I realize I didn't know I had this when I was pregnant but anything negative that happens to your kids because of you is hard to deal with.
I do have to say I am so thankful to God I was never able to donate blood. I have a serious issue with needles and always have. I knew how important it was to donate blood but it took a long time for me to agree to do it. The 3 times I have attempted something has always happend that stopped me from being successful. I realize now that was probably God's way of keeping me from unknowingly infecting anyone else. Definitely a positive thing in this mess.
We'll see what the guture holds...

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