Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Meatloaf Made Me Cry

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I definitely did. Wonderful food, wonderful friends, and so much to be thankful for. Although this has probably been the toughest year of my life it has also been amazing. I finally know what I am up against to some degree. Even though the Lyme can be unpredictable and I don't know for sure how sick I am or how long it will before I get better I have a name. That alone gives me hope. I have been blessed beyond measure in these past few months. God has used people in my life to help my family get by when I was sure our world was going come crashing down. You know the saying that "Everything happens for a reason"? It is interesting to think about the people that God has used in my life recently and how they even got here. It is really cool to think about if a whole bunch of decisions in my life led me to this very moment because God was planning all along how He was going to handle this. If that makes any sense. So anyways...I am just very thankful!

Nothing much changed over the holidays. I probably over did it a little bit. I mean I went a few days without a nap and that can do me in. I'm still in pain, mainly joint pain or bone pain. I have muscle spasms most days, usually in my eye or my arm. At least they aren't painful. I haven't had very much twitching which is good. I am super emotional and can cry at almost anything. I am also a little short tempered and still tired.

I realize I may have said some of this before. I had gone a while without being very temperature sensitive but it has come back. My feet are cold almost 24-7. I have to take a hot shower or bath to try and warm up, sometimes twice a day. The temperature thing can be very painful. I remember over the past few years times where the tips of my fingers would get so could they would start to go numb. They never got to where I couldn't feel them but just to the point that they were super painful to touch. I always thought that was weird. It's not like I had been out in the snow without gloves or anything. Now at least I know why. I have never asked but I am guessing it is part of the nerve stuff. Being in the freezer or dairy section of the grocery store can be painful. It is very frustrating. This is what brought me to tears while I was making dinner last night. I decided to make turkey meatloaf. I realized as I was getting everything out that this was going to be painful. Who ever thought making meatloaf could be painful? I had been here before. I knew what was probably going to happen and I was right. I put everything in the bowel and went to mix it up with my hands and sure enough with in a matter of seconds my fingers were in so much pain. I could only mix everything up for about 5 seconds before I had to run my hands under hot water. The pain made me start to cry. How silly that I was crying over making meatloaf but it hurt so bad and I was frustrated so the tears just happened. I did successfully make dinner and the family didn't even know how bad it hurt. I realize you may be reading this and saying why didn't you ask for help? It just feels like so much has been taken away from me already that I try to hold on what few things I have left. Making dinner is one of them.

I'm looking forward to Christmas and trying not to worry about the disability issue. I will get my answer when I am supposed to and worrying about what it is going to be will not change the outcome. I am trying not to think about the port and new medicine and just take each day as it comes. I have been reading a lot of my fellow Lymies blogs. My heart breaks for them every time I read about their struggles. Each one of them and their families are going through so much. I am determined to do my part to help educate people about this disease and do what I can to help others in need. I guess that is all for now. Thanks for stopping by and checking in.

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